My son is turning six today. Lately I’ve been thinking about how becoming a father has changed me, and the things I have learned by taking care of my son. Here are, in no particular order, some insights and reflections that these six years have brought me.

Noticing Children
Young children are, due to their size, easy to overlook – quite literally. However, after getting used to paying attention to your own little fellow; checking that he’s not right behind you before you take a step back; making sure he’s not standing in the way of the waitress carrying a tray loaded with bowls of soup, and so on, you also start paying more attention to other peoples’ children. In public areas with a lot of people, I’ve learned to look down as well as ahead, to avoid knocking over someone’s toddler in my stride. If I see little children running around, I know to give them more space, because they are too busy playing to pay attention to me. When I’m driving and there are kids nearby, I’m even more vigilant than I used to be.

Emotional Stability and Parenting Zen
In the past I’ve had some (undiagnosed) mental health issues. When my wife was pregnant, I realized that once the kid is born, I won’t have time to sit around wallowing in my depression. In order to be able to take my responsibility as a father, I would need to be emotionally stable. I couldn’t get there on my own, so I started going to therapy and it worked. I am not completely free of my depression, but it no longer affects me in my daily life. An unexpected upshot of this is that I’m able to go into a sort of parenting zen mode. If my kid is crying ,screaming or acting out in other ways, it affects me less than it would have in the past; I’m able to handle most situations with calm and patience.

Kids are Learning to be Human
A big part of the reason that kids act the way they do is because they are still learning to be human. This is most clear with babies who don’t yet know how to speak, so their only means of communication is to make noise. Specifically, when they need something, their only way of communicating this, is to cry until they get what they want. However, this doesn’t stop being relevant just because a child has learned to speak. They might not cry because they are hungry anymore, but there are lots of other behaviors that might seem incomprehensible from an adult’s perspective, that are due to them learning how to be human. I think it’s important to remember this and, whenever possible, be patient and let them explore on their own. Over time you will see them developing; sometimes faster than if you try to force them to behave a certain way.

The Instinct for Minor Dangers
Every adult knows to look out for kids doing dangerous things like climbing a bookshelf or running with scissors, and stopping them from doing that. What I’ve never considered in the past, but have developed an instinct for in these six years, is preventing minor mishaps. Kid crawling in under a table? Put out a hand to cushion the blow for when he eventually stands up without looking. Is that cup of milk suspiciously close to the table edge? Move it inwards an inch or two to prevent it from spilling all over the floor. And so on, and so on. Instinctively spotting these things and preventing anything bad from happening, has saved both our son and us parents from a lot of headaches.

Taking it Slow to Move Fast
As an adult you have a schedule and times to keep. For young children the very concept of a schedule is completely foreign. This will, quite naturally, lead to clashes. You’re stressed about meeting some kind of deadline e.g. getting to kindergarten on time, but you’re child is having fun playing and, because (s)he doesn’t understand time, can see no reason to hurry. So you try to push your kid to move faster, remind him over and over again, and eventually you raise your voice at him…and here everything goes wrong. Your kid now feels scared or hurt because mom or dad shouted at him, and instead of speeding up, (s)he breaks down crying – end result: you miss your deadline because you have to spend time comforting a crying child before you can actually get going. After a period where scenarios like this happened quite frequently I realized that I needed to do things differently. By remaining calm and letting my son take his time, which intuitively felt wrong for someone used to a schedule, I could avoid tantrums, thereby saving some time. However, that’s only the first step. In order to really get him going, I have figured out other ways of reminding him that fit better with his way of viewing the world. For example, having a competition about who can get their socks on first is much more fun than constant reminders, and therefore works better. Of course, you don’t always have the mental energy to come up with little games to play, but it’s worth trying when you do.

Every Child is Different
These four words are used as a kind of mantra among parents whenever some piece of parenting advice isn’t working, or whenever your child’s development isn’t following some pretty narrowly defined developmental path. This mantra exists for a good reason. Parenting techniques aren’t an exact science; there’s nothing that will work equally well for ever child. Likewise, the development paths that exist are based on a kind of average, and many milestones are defined as a span of time e.g. you can expect children to start talking between eight and twelve months. So whenever you get worried about your child because they’re late to hit a certain milestone, or that supposedly amazing parenting technique didn’t work, you have to remind yourself that your child is unique – you have to adapt your way of parenting and your mindset to suit them, not the other way around. Thus, every child is different.

Everybody has an Opinion
Speaking of parenting advice, it seems that every adult has a opinion on what’s the correct way to take care of children, and they are all eager to tell new parents. This seems to be especially true of old ladies (I guess they are drawing on their years of experience being grandmas), who really like to tell you that whatever you are doing, it is wrong. It doesn’t matter that they know nothing about you or your child, they will still give you advice whether you want it or not. I particularly remember one episode where I was taking my son to the park and a bunch of old ladies, that I’d never seen before in my life, started telling me he shouldn’t be allowed to play with sticks. I mostly just ignored them – my son is an expert at playing with sticks – but it reminded me of all the stories my wife had told me of old women telling her what not to do, and now for the first time I could truly empathize with her frustration. My advice to would be advisors, unless someone specifically asks for advice, keep it to yourself.

Compassion and Secret Relief
Everybody knows how annoying it is when a baby starts crying or screaming in a public place, especially a confined one like a train or an airplane. When it happens, you might even think to yourself “why don’t the parents do something?” Since becoming a parent I’ve found myself being the one caring for a screaming child many times and it has brought be two things. First, understanding and compassion. I now understand how hard being in that situation can be, and I know that most parents are doing all that they can to calm down their offspring. I also understand that sometimes, it’s simply not possible. I can empathize with the parent’s but also with the children, because I know, like I’ve said before, that young kids scream and cry because they have no other way to communicate their needs. Second, there is, I’m a little bit ashamed to admit, a sense of relief anytime the screaming child is somebody else’. It’s a weird mix of emotions of “I understand what that’s like,” and “thank god it’s not my child this time.”

Why am I so Sensitive Now?
It’s a trope in a lot of films, books, and video games, that the hero’s family getting kidnapped or killed is what triggers the events of the story. In the past I could understand how this would motivate someone to go on a rescue mission/ revenge quest, but being a manly man (not really) I didn’t have any strong emotions about it. Nowadays I’ve become much more sensitive regarding this kind of thing, especially if young children get hurt or killed. Even when I know it’s fiction, and even if I’ve only known the characters for a couple of minutes, I have a strong emotional reaction to it. I can sort of link the fate of the fictional children, to that of my own child, and the protagonist’s emotions to how I would feel if something like that should happen to my son. I really don’t like seeing it, and I hate the bad guys even more than I used to. This of course goes double for real world events where children get hurt, reading about it in the news hits me much harder now than in the past. Somewhat surprising is that I’ve also become more sensitive to stories where a young boy’s father gets killed; it’s as if I can imagine what my son would feel if something happened to me.

The Sad Truth About Fatherhood
I often get the impression that the fact that I do roughly 50% (my estimate) of the work raising our son, makes me some kind of super dad. It’s like people expect fathers to be less involved with caring for their children so by comparison, I become exceptional. The thing is I’m not, or at least I shouldn’t be. I try to take full responsibility (and I like to think I succeed) because our son is mine as much as he is my wife’s – it’s my job as a husband and father to do so. What I do shouldn’t be exceptional. The fact that it still is, in 2025, is just sad. There are many fathers out there, and despite my efforts I might still be one of them, who need to do better.

Smooth Driving is a Useful Skill
The tendency for young kids to fall asleep in the car is so well known, that going for a drive has become a common parenting trick. My son was no different when he was really little. However, he would often wake up if the car was stationary for too long at red lights etc. and if he hadn’t slept for long enough, he would be really cranky when he woke up. I found that the best way to deal with this issue is to drive extra smoothly; accelerate slowly, avoid sudden maneuvers, anticipate the next red light well ahead of time and slow down so gradually that the light will turn green before you reach it. This has been really useful to make sure he sleeps long enough whenever we drive anywhere. Nowadays he rarely falls asleep in the car, but I keep driving smoothly all the same, because it seems to be more pleasant all around.

Shifting Priorities
One morning a while back, I was taking my son to kindergarten when it suddenly started pouring down. We were at a red light with no shelter in sight, and I soon realized that by the time we reached somewhere to take shelter, we would both be soaked through. I quickly moved the scooter to the side of the road and started tearing out our rain gear from underneath the seat, and without thinking about it, got my son’s rain jacket on as fast as I possibly could. It was only when he was reasonably protected that I started putting my own jacket on; of course, by this time I was already quit wet. Some time later I realized that I had subconsciously decided to prioritize his comfort to the detriment of my own. I think this willingness to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your children, is an integral part of being a parent. Of course I already knew this on an intellectual level, but now I also understood it on a personal level. I never thought to myself “putting on his rain jacket first is he right thing to do,” I just did it. Clearly, my internal priorities have shifted without any conscious effort on my part.

Non-Linear Development
I have observed that when it comes to children’s development, time doesn’t seem to be entirely linear. The most obvious example of this is with people who don’t meet your children regularly. They will often comment on how much they’ve grown since last time or how fast they are developing. This of course comes down to them only getting a few datapoints with long gaps between them, while you as a parent see your child developing much more gradually. What’s more interesting is that, despite seeing your child everyday, you as a parent can sometimes also be surprised. It could be that your kid is heavily into, let’s say, dinosaurs and wants dinosaur toys, dinosaur clothes, dinosaur everything, and then one day, they suddenly don’t care about dinosaurs anymore, all they want is robots. This can also happen for physical development; your baby is struggling to walk unassisted, and then one day he just knows how to do it. It’s as if some kind of process has been running in the background of your child’s brain, and when it reaches 100% it gets deployed to the conscious brain in an instant. This of course means that you as a parent always has to be on your toe in case of sudden changes.

Circumventing the Limitations of Parenthood
When my wife first announced that she was pregnant, I was afraid that becoming a father would limit my freedom and my ability to do the things I really enjoy such as skiing, hiking, traveling, watching movies, playing video games etc. To some extent that fear has become a reality, for example I can no longer spend my entire weekends playing video games and eating junk food. However, I have found that those limitations are not as severe as I thought they would be, but more importantly, if you are willing to put in a bit of effort, you can work around them. The simplest way is that you and your partner give each other some “me time” to do things you like. For example, my wife can take care of our son for a few hours while I go hiking, or I take care of him while she goes out with her friends. Of course, when you have limited free time, you have to make the most of it; I make sure to spend my “me time” doing something worthwhile rather than aimlessly scrolling my phone. Moreover, if you take some time to plan and prepare, it’s actually possible to do a lot of those things together with your children, although you might have to be slightly less adventurous than when you’re single. We have traveled to several different countries as a family, we’ve gone hiking with our son on my back; I’ve even gone snowboarding with him riding on my shoulders. I find that the best approach is to combine family fun with a bit of “me time” thrown in here and there. For example, we recently went camping in the mountains, and in the morning I went for a quick hike than came back in time for lunch. I can’t say I never miss our childless days, but I miss them far less than I expected six years and nine months ago.

Creativity and the Correct Use of Toys
An interesting observation that I’ve made while playing with my son is this: Adults play with toys the way the toy designers (who are also adults) intended. Children on the other hand, are much more creative. They will combine all kinds of different toys and use them in whichever way that fits the games they are currently playing. It could be something like a bunch of wooden blocks combined with an upside-down Lego car and a random fridge magnet, that together form a moon base. At first you might be tempted to correct them, but I think that risks limiting their imagination. If you let them be instead, and simply listen to their explanations of what it is, not only will you notice just how strong their imagination is, but you’re bound to get a bunch of laughs out of it as well.

Those are all the observations and insights I had at this point. I think I will make another post like this in a couple of years to see what changed – I’m sure there will be a lot – and write down any new insights I’ve had since writing this one.